BEATING MYSELF UP

Discussion in 'YP Yorkie Talk' started by cathy.akers, Aug 4, 2018.

  1. cathy.akers

    cathy.akers Well-Known Member

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    There hasn't been a day go by that I don't go back to the days before Lucy got sick, up until the end trying to figure out what happened. What did I miss? Were there changes in her that I should have seen? Could she have gotten into something ? I can't believe I didn't get her into another vet when she wasn't getting better after taking her to my vet twice in 5 days. How do I go forward knowing that it's my fault she's gone. I should have paid more attention to the cues she was giving me that day and done the blood transfusion. She wasn't ready to give up. I made the wrong decision. I was on my knees begging for a miracle, or guidance every day. Was I so distraught that I missed a message from God? No, my prayers just went unanswered, but why? This is a failure of epic proportions on my part. Will she ever be able to forgive me and be waiting for me at the rainbow bridge, or will she not? I've apologized over and over again to her, hoping to see a sign letting me know that she made it across the bridge and she is with teddy and she's ok. A couple of weeks after losing him, I was sitting outside and something told me to look at the sky. There was the most perfectly shaped pink heart in the clouds and behind it as clear as day was teddy sitting up on his hind legs. I honestly thought I had truly lost my mind, so I called my husband to come outside. All I said was look up and tell me what you see if anything. He described the very same thing. I knew that was his way of letting me know he was ok and he would be waiting for me. Will I get a sign from her, or is she too angry, and disappointed with me? A big piece of my heart went with her, and the rest has a hole in it the size of Texas. It stinks knowing that I will never have any answers. No answers = no closure or peace of mind. I just hope she knew how very much I loved her, and that I always will love her. I miss my sweet little teeny tiny curled up on my chest snuggling and nuzzling my face. I miss her antics and playing with her favorite toy in the world. That silly little green ball and the game we named ball go. Where's your ball go Lucy? I miss taking her for rides in her strollie as we called it. Oh how she loved her strollie. She was my co pilot. All snugly fastened into her car seat that was always on the passenger side next to me. She made me laugh when I wanted to cry. With her by my side, there was nothing I couldn't face. I swear she could understand everything I was saying when I had no one else to talk to, or no one else that would listen. If I could only have her back, even for a few minutes. I'm sure all of this sounds crazy, especially for someone who has two grown daughters, seven grandchildren, my dad, sister and friends, but family dynamics aren't always ideal especially when no one understands you, and instead of just being there to let me talk about my feelings despite their not understanding, they turn their backs and tell you that they feel slighted by a dog, or threaten to check you into a mental health facility. Even the ones who say they understand, and will listen, have either never had a companion animal, or have but can't grasp the concept of them being a true member of the family. My give a damn is broken and I'm not sure it's fixable.

    I just needed to get all of this out of my head before it blew up.

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  2. Candy

    Candy Owner/Admin Staff Member

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    Cathy you got to let go before you drive yourself crazy. Trust me i cry everyday for my Babies as i miss them so badly. My solution is to get another. just have to figure out how to get her here.
    Don't beat yourself up, your Lucy is waiting at the Rainbow Bridge, she knows how much you loved her.I dd think over and over what i could of done different, but i know i did the best for them. Hugs
     
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  3. cathy.akers

    cathy.akers Well-Known Member

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    Thanks candy. I would love to have another itty bitty girl, either pure yorkie or maybe a morkie. Money is going to be a big factor

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  4. KippersMa

    KippersMa Well-Known Member

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    I also blame myself for LingLing's death, but realize it is a normal part of grieving. Lord willing, you will soon have another baby to love and the pain will lessen. It never goes away, though, and our special babies we have lost will always remain our loves. I again express my sorrow at your loss...
     
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  5. cathy.akers

    cathy.akers Well-Known Member

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    I lost teddy march 22nd of 2016. It's just been in the last 6 months that i had finally found some peace over that. It was a different situation even though it was his vets fault he died. He was 14. She was only 3. This one is going to take a long time to come to terms with

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  6. grandmatoall

    grandmatoall Bobbi, Sandy and Roxy. RIP Leo, TJ and Lilly

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    I lost TJ to cancer. He was only 4. He was my heart dog. You never forget them. They hold a special place in your heart.

    It is wonderful to remember all the good times you had with them. Remember the true love you shared together.
    They helped our hearts grow.

     
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  7. cathy.akers

    cathy.akers Well-Known Member

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    She was my heart

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  8. Candy

    Candy Owner/Admin Staff Member

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    I have all these feelings too...
    There will be another Yorkie soon, but there will never be another Rosi and Apollo !!!
     
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  9. cathy.akers

    cathy.akers Well-Known Member

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    Found this little one who has two other brothers that are ready for forever homes. I haven't talked to my other half yet but she is only asking 300[​IMG]

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  10. cathy.akers

    cathy.akers Well-Known Member

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    There will never be another Lucy. She can never be replaced

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  11. KippersMa

    KippersMa Well-Known Member

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  12. KippersMa

    KippersMa Well-Known Member

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    Cathy, my sweet little LingLing was only three, too. She died from clostridium bacteria in less than 12 hours from the onset of her vomiting and diarrhea. I blamed myself for feeding her raw food and not getting her teeth cleaned, which I think lowered her immune system. Raw meat can have clostridium in it, but so can a lot of other things--dirt for one. She died three days after her workup and vaccines to prepare her for a dental. The vaccine maker paid for a necropsy and found that she didn't die from the vaccines, but I am still very suspicious. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try to do everything for the best of our beloved pets, it doesn't work. Nothing can bring them back, but looking ahead for another sweet pet to love and nurture does bring immense comfort. I hope you find just the right one for you and one that will be healthy and happy for many, many years to come.
     
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  13. cathy.akers

    cathy.akers Well-Known Member

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    I don't blame you for being suspicious given what I now know about over vaccinating and manufacturers buying ingredients from Asia where nothing gets inspected or tested for things that are can cause illness or death in our dogs and cats. All done for the sake of profit. It just feels like I'll never shake free of the guilt

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  14. Candy

    Candy Owner/Admin Staff Member

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    awe adorable, is he all yorkie or mixed ? I was hoping to find a mixed but could not find one as i always heard they are healthier. Hope you can get it ! Feel the same way, there never will be another Rosi and Apollo !
    Good Luck !
     
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  15. cathy.akers

    cathy.akers Well-Known Member

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    The first two are dad and mom. The third is his sister that just turned one. Isn't she just beautiful ? I cried when I saw her because she looks so much like Lucy. Jesus I miss her something awful. I didn't go get him yesterday. I had the knee jerk what ifs set in. It would absolutely put me in an early grave if God forbid something went wrong, and honestly, I'm beginning to think I'm the new version of typhoid Mary. I worry about willie being safe staying here. I really want a female but they are always the first to go especially in the price range I have to be in. One of the many times I wish I had married for money. I checked her ad this morning and she had 2 left. Idk what to do.
    [​IMG][​IMG][​IMG]

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  16. Candy

    Candy Owner/Admin Staff Member

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    awe....if you set on a girl you could ask when she breeds again ? Boys are sometimes sweeter then girls but mainly its up to you !
     
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  17. cathy.akers

    cathy.akers Well-Known Member

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    Brought him home last night. [​IMG]

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  18. grandmatoall

    grandmatoall Bobbi, Sandy and Roxy. RIP Leo, TJ and Lilly

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    What a sweet little face. Congratulations on your new little baby. Keep the pictures coming.
     
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  19. cathy.akers

    cathy.akers Well-Known Member

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    I will. Any suggestions on names? I'm drawing a blank

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  20. grandmatoall

    grandmatoall Bobbi, Sandy and Roxy. RIP Leo, TJ and Lilly

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    What is his personality like? It may take you a few days to figure that out.

    I called my little boy TJ for Tiny Jewel. I sure loved him. I know you will pick the perfect name for him.

    Susan is good with different names.
     
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